Circle of Life

Faithful Reverie in Maine readers may remember this post, from way back in April, just a few weeks after I left New York for Maine. Who knew the last line of the second paragraph would be so prescient?

I left New York and moved to Maine because I wanted a change. In leaving New York, I felt I was moving towards something, not away from something. And now I know what that something is.

In August, Nick, the man I'd met just six weeks before leaving New York in March, moved up to Maine to be with me. And on the very day we moved into our lovely apartment, we discovered that I was pregnant. Am pregnant.

I'm pregnant! Our baby is due in late April.

My first reaction to this was sheer, unfettered joy, the likes of which I've never felt before. My second, and more lingering reaction, was one of fear and trepidation, nausea and uncertainty. I knew Nick loved me, and was committed to me, and I him, but we hadn't even known each other for a year. And though we had discussed having children in the near future, neither of us thought it would happen so quickly. So the first month of being pregnant, of living with a man for the first time, of helping him adjust to a new way of life even as I was still grappling with my own return to my New England roots, was hard. Not as hard as it could have been, but still, there was a lot of uncertainty, nervousness, fear--not to mention that sheer physical exhaustion and constant queasiness had overtaken my life.

But now, a week or so into my second trimester, with all signs indicating that the baby is healthy, and my own body returning to a feeling of normalcy, I'm starting to get really, really excited about having this baby. I've wanted kids for as long as I can remember--more than I've wanted anything else, really. I just wanted to make sure I did a lot of other things first. And I have: I've lived in other countries, I earned a master's degree, I've lived in the greatest city in the world, and I've dated enough men to know that I've finally found what I need in a partner.

I'm more than ready to take the focus of my life off of me.

April seems a long way off, until I remember that I only have six months left in my life of not being a parent. It's both terrifying and thrilling. Sometimes I wonder why I waited so long.